2. And yet, I’m not a meditator - what’s up with that?
I’ve had some attainments
I’ve had hints at attainments from sitting
Access concentration from 45 Days to Awakening
Insight into the nastiness of my own mind, downstream of better mindfulness
Post-vipassana retreat → judging the other men on the retreat who I thought were immoral/arrogant etc
During Jhourney retreat → judging people on the streets of Toronto
I’ve had attainments from non-sitting
Talked into stream entry
It’s aversive as hell + I haven’t had a coherent story
I’ve never believed a story about meditation, I’ve never really grokked how useful it can be
It feels so daunting, and impossible, and time-consuming, and like the benefits are hidden behind thousands of hours of mundanity, so I get daunted and don’t try
(This is what the green arrow signifies → you want to boost the perceived value)
The perceived value of the old needs to be trumped by the perceived value of the old
(This this what the red arrow signifies → you want to lower the perceived value)
The gained value needs to trump the cost of change
Perceived value of the new
I haven’t had a clear personal narrative re: the value of meditation
I’ve had other people’s narratives (e.g., “Ingram is enlightened, and he… likes it”), but I haven’t made my own coherent narrative
Perceived value of the old
The “status quo”, the normal way of living, without meditation
Need to disfavourably compare this to a life of meditation
Perceived cost of the change
This is a key thing for me → as someone who is overly neurotic about wasted time, the perceived cost of meditating loads has been very high. “I can’t carve out an hour a day!” etc.
So, my Gilman equation for meditation is something like this:
So:
My “perceived value of the new” has been essentially 0, as I haven’t grokked the profundity of regular meditation, I don’t believe it
My “perceived value of the old” is essentially 100 → “this is totally fine and normal”
My “perceived cost of the change” is also essentially 100 → “it’d be a huge time commitment, unsure if I’d even make progress”
(0 - 100) > 100
-100 > 100 = FALSE
There’s a hugeeee gulf
Vs, the shape I could get my Gilman equation into
vs
Perceived value of the new = 100
“Holy shit, meditation would be so deeply transformational”
Perceived value of the old = -100
“wow, the status quo is actually super toxic. I’m deeply judgemental, my mind is super scattered, my morality is poor”
Perceived cost of change = 20
“Sure, big time commitment, but relatively immediate gains”
(100 - -100) > 20
200 > 20 = TRUE → huge improvement
3. Mapping the Gilman equation
3A - “Perceived value of the new”
Value of meditating. Where could it get me? Different time scales?
Why meditate?
Well, what are we talking about here?
There are a variety of techniques and approaches
I can imagine something like this:
Path 1 → concentration and metta
Improve shamatha via nostril meditation (2-4 weeks)
Use improved concentration to do metta meditation, TWIM stuff (forgiveness (self and other), lovingkindness)
Return to the Jhourney instructions (that is, do jhana practice)
Benefits of improved shamatha
Improved shamatha is the essential prerequisite to everything else
E.g., “want to have a good sit where you generate a good amount of metta? Well, if you’re still in ‘monkey mind’/‘mind as a waterfall’ mode, then you’ll spend 95% of the sit distracted, and therefore generate barely any metta”
Want to investigate craving and aversion (Michael Stroe-style?) - well then, you’re gonna need access concentration
See how my mind works
More motivation to change how my mind works
When you exist in ignorance (moha, one of the 3 defilements), you’re blind to how bad things are, so you don’t have any motivation to change them
Ignoti nulla cupido
Intellectus sibi permissus
Socratic “double ignorance”, which Socrates believed was the worst thing of all
The Mind Illuminated, stage 1
The Mind Illuminated, stage 2
The Mind Illuminated, stage 3
Benefits of metta
This one is pretty obvious actually. The thing is, I’ve never had a metta practice from a place of also having decent shamatha, so I’ve only made a little tiny bit of metta, then been distracted as all hell
But yeah, lovingkindness, compassion, both for yourself and others, so clearly just a profound state to rest in daily
Especially if you’re someone as habitually judgemental as me
3B - Perceived value of the old
Value of the status quo. How I currently live, without meditation
How is a lack of meditation costing me?
Ignorance
Empirically, I know that when I meditate a lot (e.g., vipassana retreat, Jhourney retreat), I notice how nasty my mind is
Therefore, it seems true that my mind is habitually nasty → judgemental, at the very least
And to not meditate is to allow this to be the case, unconsciously
Blocker to profound states
My lack of access concentration means that
if I try to e.g. generate metta, I’ll be distracted as hell
if I go to the local Buddhist centre - I’m distracted as hell
if I do open awareness practice - I’m distracted as hell
3C - Perceived cost of the change
How costly would it be to meditate?
Well, when I did the “45 Days” course, I reached nostril “access concentration” in <2 weeks
So, say I was doing 2 hours of sitting a day (which I don’t think I was) → that’s ~28 hours to get to a noticeably improved state of concentration, to be conservative
That is very different from the default story of “oh god, it’d take 1000s of hours of meditation in order to get enlightened”
Outcome
Lemme follow “The Mind Illuminated” for a few weeks and improve my shamatha
Ooh, I could keep a meditation log on this website! Hype
p(Success)?
If I follow The Mind Illuminated
High probability that I’ll improve my concentration
I’ve improved it before → 45 Days course, vipassana retreat, Jhourney retreat
I see the benefit of this
Better concentration allows more “juice” from subsequent practices → e.g., instead of trying to do metta but being 99% distracted → if I’m only say, 30% distracted, that’s a profound increase
30 minute metta sit where I’m 99% distracted = 18 seconds of metta experienced
30 minutes of metta where I’m 80% distracted = 6 minutes of metta experienced
30 minute metta sit where I’m 30% distracted = 21 minutes of metta experienced
Final insight
The two unexamined beliefs that have blocked me from meditating regularly
I’ve been operating on two beliefs that are clearly silly and incompatible when viewed clearly:
1. Meditation feels non-profound because
“Meditation feels non-profound because whenever I try it, I don’t really get anywhere”
E.g., a metta sit doesn’t make me feel good. I’m distracted, and I end up feeling like it was a waste of time
2. Doing concentration practice feels non-profound because
“Concentration practice is boring, and non-profound”
“Concentration isn’t where the juice is → it’s non-profound, it’s not vipassana, it’s not metta → focusing on the breath, pure shamatha, won’t get you to enlightenment or etc”
Reframe
Concentration practice is an essential prerequisite
Without good concentration, you’re totally blocked from experiencing the benefits of other techniques
You can’t just rush to e.g. metta, because if you’re 99% distracted, you won’t get anywhere
Shamatha is the essential prerequisite. It is 100% worthwhile. Imagine doing a metta sit at 30% distraction, vs 99% distraction. Profound difference
Similar to cardio
Poor cardio blocks e.g. enjoying running, swimming, squats → get exhausted really quickly
