Often (always?) I don’t want to talk in liminal spaces
(This was the case last time too but it mostly made me feel bad about myself, whereas this time I’m trying to just accept it as true)
When I’m making a coffee or grabbing a snack, there’s really no desire to say anything, which can make me worry that I’m being antisocial, that I’m unfriendly etc. But I’m trying to just be like “ok yeah no desire to talk, that’s ok”
I don’t like big group meals
I dislike group dinner time where you all sit at a dining table → I felt this way at Life Itself too
It’s partly downstream of my personality & lack of experience (very small family etc)
It’s also partly a feeling I was with in Berlin, that there are yappers and yap-ees (or perhaps, introverts and extroverts, idk) - some people will happily talk a bunch in a big group, some people feel kind of oppressed and diminished in a big group
There’s a default story that everyone eating together at a dining table is connective and good and community-coded etc, but in my experience it’s (to be honest, re: my experience) oppressive, you’re tyrannised by the people who are happy to talk the most, boring, disconnective, etc. There’s a feeling of “if I talk, I’m forcing everyone to listen to me”, there’s a lack of optionality or something
Ofc this could all be nonsensical and downstream of my own issues (very likely), idk what the alternative would be
Imagining alternatives
Assigned seating at smaller tables which are jumbled up each day so you talk to new people → could be much more fruitful and connective than “everyone at big table, the yappers yap, the shy people are quiet”
I’m not interested in talking ~most of the time
Most of the time I just don’t want to talk! It’s weird
I have a bit of a sense that some point soon it’d be good to install a new story/belief re: the value of chatting, yapping, etc. I feel like I don’t have a sense of playfulness and silliness and default to a kind of intense gloomy presence (astrology girlies will say it’s my scorpio rising). E.g. Nihilism slash dissociation at the hippy retreat. But at the same time maybe I don’t need to change anything about this. I’m friendly and engaged in 1:1 contexts, I am valued and liked despite this, etc
Something something I don’t want to be stuck in verbal land
Maybe there’s something here for me like I want to communicate in a vibes-based way, I want to do activities with people, I want it to be safe to be silent when I want to be silent. I want to learn your life story, I want to learn more about what you care about, I don’t want to talk about things that smell like unimportant bullshit
Hotel vibes
I wonder how we can fix the gender ratio problem
The gender ratio is always crazy here (as it probably is in Effective Altruism in general, at EAG conferences, at post-rationalist events too (e.g. Ship It Week, TreeWeek, probably VibeCamp etc))
Doesn’t seem worth noodling on why EA and rationalism are male-dominated atm because I can’t change that, but I wonder how the hotel could be improved
A clear one is aesthetics and lack thereof. I can’t imagine bringing my woman friends to this place
Blackpool is of course very run down, depressing, bleak, etc. There are a few empty/deserted hotels on the same street as this hotel. It’s a poor town
The hotel is on the path of being aesthetically nice, but it’s not there yet. Dated decor, carpets, wallpaper, etc. Cheap furniture, chairs, beds. I wouldn’t want a female friend to visit me here, vs e.g. if this was the Life Itself house, I’d be thrilled to invite people
Historically, the hotel has had a very rationalist like “we don’t care that it’s cluttered and kinda gross, we’re here to Save The World” vibe which I think rationalist male nerds don’t mind but it very much selects for that kinda person. I’d love more yin balance and softness etc
Ofc, it’s very difficult to overhaul the aesthetics of a big hotel. I don’t know how much money it’d take, but, imagine replacing all the beds, carpets, removing all the dated wallpaper, painting the walls, buying house plants and shelves and wall hangings, knocking down walls to make e.g. the living room bigger
A similar question is re: demographics
There’s a woman in her 70s visiting right now and omg, what a breath of fresh air
The post-rat space is like this too - it feels like everyone is around 26 years old, and it’s like the blind leading the blind. A bunch of young naive people with the same world view thinking that they’re going to save the world. It’s such a blessing to spend time with people who actually feel like wise elders. E.g., Rich and Nati at Casa Tilo
It takes 1-2 weeks to feel comfortable
I’ve been here a week now and I’ve had some interactions with most of the people here, which makes it feel safer and nicer. At first there was a sense of “oh god everyone knows each other, everyone are friends, I’m the odd one out”, and it’s nice to gradually settle in and feel like part of the group
The food can be kinda bland
Yesterday’s main meal was supposed to be… red lentil soup. Boring!!!!! Luckily James turned it into an experimental lasagne thing which made it a bit more interesting. I’d love a Life Itself-style thang where the food is more interesting, there’s more variety (e.g. a few sides always, always salad/raw veg etc). From memory, I’m pretty sure Life Itself was also 100% vegan meals, but they were way better because Valerie was very passionate about her role as head chef/food planner
Maybe “salt/fat/acid/heat” could be a useful simple framework here → this soup lasagne feels like it’s missing butter + lemon juice + beef-flavoured stock
(Also my god I can’t stop farting)
It’s hard to give feedback
Like, this soup I’m eating right now is clearly missing something, but you know, how do you say that
Maybe I could quietly make a note of various things
