- Circling/authentic relating language
”How to Share a Withhold” by Sara Ness
A withhold is something I am holding back from you that is keeping us from connection.
To share a withhold, you first need to recognize that you have one. The best way I’ve found to do this is to ask myself:
- Who am I avoiding?
- Who am I complaining about to myself or others?
Structure
As such it is very important to use the following structure. You can improvise on this a little bit, by mutual agreement, but not much, if you want to be successful.
From https://circlingguide.com/withholds/ :
- First, say “I have a withhold, will you hear it”? If they don’t know your meaning for “withhold”, you will have to explain the structure to them another time, and deliver this particular communication differently. Also if they don’t want to hear your withhold in the moment, you need to honor that.
- If they agree, you would deliver your withhold, “You are lazy”, or whatever. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, and it can also be an appreciation or a joke, a way to clear or make light of what you perceive as their internal make-wrong, or to own and make fun of a make-wrong that you have toward them. This last use of withholds resembles what is called a “Hex”. A “hex” is something like a joke with a little “punch” to it, a grain of truth.
- The other person should respond with a simple “Thank you”. This completes the cycle and you move on to other topics.
- Withholds should not be directly responded to. This is important and reflects the shared context that delivering a withhold does not represent any kind of “truth” (except, perhaps, a transient emotional truth in the person giving the withhold), and that the act of giving the withhold is a complete expression, not a demand the other person change
- However, the other person may, if they wish, either respond to a withhold with another withhold, or else ask if it’s okay to have a conversation about your withhold. For instance: my response to the “you are lazy” withhold could be either to ask if you would be willing to talk about it (in case I absolutely needed to work it out with you), or else (better) to counter-withhold with an apology or even a joke (“Thank you. I have a counter-withhold, will you hear it? Yes I know I am lazy. You should fire me”)
- An alternative structure is called “pulling withholds”. Each person goes on until they are done delivering all their withholds, and then you switch roles. As mentioned above, this can be a very powerful way to begin a negotiation on a sensitive topic, and also can be a lot of fun – provided you trust and enjoy the other person.